*$#&@!

"When you take a bucket and dip it into a river, just because all you get is water doesn't mean that there aren't any fish."

That's how the doctor described the liver biopsy: just because there was no sign of cancer or anything else on that teensy-tiny piece of liver doesn't mean there may be other things elsewhere.

As a result and because of my extremely elevated liver levels, they want to move forward and do a triple-phase catscan. There could be small spots of cancer, lesions, or cysts in other parts of my liver that can be as small as 3mm.

#%@&$.

Liver Biopsy Results...

Come late on Friday afternoon. Definitely. Although pre-lims showed no cancer, the doctor will ccall and give me the lowdown and pick a plan on what to do.

I'll post them as soon as I can.

Are We Mad, Men?

Hombres, boys, and gentlemen: did we get a little tired of hearing about Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte, and Miranda, the four women of "Sex And The City"?

If so, meet Donald, Pete, Sterling, and Cooper, the four main men of "Mad Men", a weekly series on AMC that deals with drama, scandals, and back-stabbling from a man's point of view. These guys are both kind and ruthless, doing what they can to climb the corporate ladder, sleep with women, and at the same time, maintain a perfect family back at home. And yes, there are plenty of cocktails, drama, and temptation everywhere.

It's deliciously womderful. Season 3 arrives this summer, and seasons 1 and 2 are available on DVD.

Man! On Fire!

Ernie, of all the people in the world, actually watched a documentary. That's right, your eyes aren't fooling you- Ernie watched a documentary! In celebration of the Oscars, I rented "Man On Wire", which won Best Documentary last night. I checked out the movie's ratings on Rotten Tomatoes, which gave it a perfect 100 score.

And guess what? I liked it! Worth renting? Yes. Worth buying? No.

How Did The Biopsy Go Last Week?

In the words of E.T.: "Ouuuuuch."

Results come back later this week.

Two Things Make My Liver Quiver And Shiver: A Biopsy And Him.

Christian Bale in "The Machinist".

If I had to pick a facebook status: "Ernie is going to the hospital on Thursdy morning. Yum, sleepy-time drugs to knock me out!

The 40 Year Old Friend

I forgot to mention last week that Jennifer Aniston turned 40 years old on Wednesday. I saw her on Ellen DeGeneres last week and she had some good things to say.

The Wisdom That Comes From Jennifer:

"If I had to look at myself in the first year of "Friends", the advice I'd give myself (playing Rachel) would be to enjoy it and have more fun. I just think that many of us wake up one day realizing and thinking "Gosh, I wasted a lot of time by not enjoying life." I mean, we worry about so many things that are just unnecessary, and most of it is out of our control. But somehow, you get more in control the less you don't care."

(blank)

Where's Ernie's head? He don't know. Ain't nothin' goin' on.

I saw "Taken" tonight starring Liam Neeson. It was good: light and airy, good action. Liam's lookin' his age. Ate half a bag of popcorn.

Had tex-mex afterwards. Strawberry margarita, one cheese enchilada, mexican rice, and skipped the black beans. Salty as all get-out. Refried ice cream for dessert. Later at home: Carvel ice cream cake.

Still wanting to watch "He's Just Not Into Yo' Pitiful Self" and "Confessions Of A Woman With Bad Credit".

Taylor made a mess last night- we changed the brand of food on her, making her poop sstinky soft stuff in the middle of the night. We left her downstairs and kept her in the kitchen. Ain't nothing like waking up, going downstairs, and seeing warm stinky piles all over the floor like ant hills. Paul's best friend who got up first ended up cleaning it up (Thank you, Sperber!)

Ain't nothin' goin' on. Liver Quiver Thursday morning. Happy Tuesday.

The $600 Shower Curtain

(And no, it's not from Louis Vuitton.)

I was at an ATM yesterday in Charlottesville and withdrew several hundred dollars from my savings account in order to deposit it into my checking account.

Before I went to the bank, I stopped by Bed Bath & Beyond to buy a new shower curtain. I reached into my jacket and pulled out my coupon to save 20%. Unbeknownst to me, the wad of cash came out as well and fell silently like a feather to the floor.

I left the store and didn't realize my money was gone until I was halfway back to DC.

I don't know whether I'll ever forgive myself.

Hey, at least I saved 20%.

What Am I, Chopped Liver?

Not yet, but next week you'll be.

Liver biopsy: Thursday, February 19,2009
8:00AM- prep
8:30AM- procedure

Stick Out Your Tongue And Go "Pbbbbth"

I'm crabby. I should just go to bed.

I'm tired of all this sugar. I am so sick of making appointments and going to the neuro-oncologist, the opthomalogist, the endocrinologist, and now a liver specialist. I'm tired of organizing my chemo schedule while feeling like crap, and pretending to people that things are okay. I'm sick of getting poked at like a pin cushion, and my forearm looking like one of a heroin addict. And I'm tired of dressing like an eskimo, bundled up under five layers of long sleeve shirts (and a blazer for extra warmth) and thermal underwear underneath my jeans because it feels like it is three degrees outside.

But I should have an attitude of gratitude, right? I mean, there are benefits- I don't work, I can sleep in, I have the liberty to eat as much fattening food as I want, and I no longer feel completely enslaved to working out and going to the gym.

Half-full or half-empty glass? "Pbbbbth."

Truthfully speaking: I'm not sure whether I'll live past 2011. The way things are going for me now, I just think, well, I'll be done sooner than later. I know, I can't predict the future, and 2011 is such an arbitrary random date.

I don't know.

I should just go to bed.

Liver-worst

Normal "liver numbers A": 40-150
Mine two weeks ago: 860
Mine last week: 904

Normal "live numbers B": <55
Mine two weeks ago: 257
Mine last week: 272

According to the nurse, the doctor will probably call me Monday and move ahead with the biopsy on my liver. Some anaesthesia, some medical tools, cut, snip. sew, and away they go with testing.

Everything's coming up roses!

Liver? I Hardly Know Her.

Problems, problems, problems.

I saw the liver specialist yesterday- bloodwork galore (about 6-8 little test tubes worth), testing for TB, and a warning of the "worst" that could happen, which would be a liver biopsy where they put me under the knife (or some other cutting/piercing device) and splice off a small slab of my liver and do tests on it.

I didn't know the human liver weighs about four pounds. I wonder how much a kidney weighs. Man, if you wanted to lose weight, you've tried everything, and felt desperate, I guess an option for you to explore is to remove organs that you don't necessarily need two of: eyeballs, kidneys, ears, lungs, arms, and legs?

Spider? I Hardly Know Her.

According to Anderson Cooper: "At all times, you are just six inches away from a spider."

According to Kelly Ripa's hairstylist: "The average person swallows seven spiders per year."

Review Of The Super Bowl:

Cardinals lost.

Review of the Super Bowl Commercials:
Top Picks according to USA Today's Ad Meter:
1. Doritos "Crystal Ball"
2. Budweiser "Circus Love"
3. Budweiser "Horse Learns Fetch"
4. Bridgestone Tires "Potato Heads"
5. Doritos "Magical Power Bites"

My favorite commercial went a little somethin' like 'dis:

"If you hate going to work ("auuugh!"),
your co-workers don't respect you ("hey dummy."),
you wish you were somewhere else,
you cry constantly,
you daydream of punching small animals ("oh dear!"),
and you sit next to this guy,
it's probably time."

Click here to watch it yourself.