Purse Those Lips

Interesting yet completely useless facts about bags:

*The most expensive handbag in the world is the Hermes crocodile Birkin bag with diamond hardware for $150,000.

*Women buy an average of four handbags a year. (Guess you can call me "Ms. Ernie" if you want)

*Sales of handbags generated an estimated $6.9 billion in 2006, up from $5.2 billion in 2002.

Women Who Carry Clear Purses...

Shouldn't.

In reaction to airline regulations, Chanel with Karl Lagerfield were inspired to create the Chanel "naked" bag, allowing every man and woman to see her personal belongings. That's right, your lint-covered Life Savers, that tired compact of blush that needs to be thrown out, and your bundle of Kleenex "just in case", are all on display.

A woman's purse is a portable closet! While we have an idea of what's inside other than her keys, we don't need to know that she's so cheap and uptight that she totes around a coupon organizer. And what happens when "it's that time of the month"? We all become aware of it, and are informed of what size and brand of feminine hygiene she prefers.

Price of such PVC luxury (please recycle when you're tired with the novelty!): $950. Please don't splurge.

Yesterday

Was a total waste of makeup. I don't know what it was I ate over the weekend, but it made me so sick yesterday. I woke up in the middle of the night with my stomach in knots. I was in sheer pain and kept rolling around in bed in hopes that it would decrease. I had to run to the toilet for the rest of the night, and all day long, my entire body was in house arrest. It hurt to walk, it hurt to sit up, it hurt to do anything. I stayed on the couch the whole day.

I'm doing a thousand times better today. It's like it never happened.

I Feel Like This Is Me Sometimes.

Except without a dog.

Sayonara, Summer

Call me a pessimist, but tomorrow's a sad day- it's the "first day of summer." And while that sounds great along with being the longest day of the year, this just means means that beginning Friday, the days get shorter. Maybe not by much day by day, but still, it's a preview of what's to come.

Kind of like Fashion Week in New York.

Hurry up and soak up the sun, people- it's setting earlier and earlier.

No Glutes, No Glory

The other morning, I noticed that my track pants kept sliding down and wouldn't stay on my waist. I thought that it was because the synthetic material made them slide down my shorts.

Wrong. It was because I have no butt to hold the pants up at my waist.

Ernie, you're such a hypocrite! You've said things like:

*"The problem with so many men is all they work out their upper body, and do nothing for their legs and butt."

*"Uggh. That guy's a bullfrog! Huge upper torso, big arms, but no butt and legs."

*"Typical. Tight t-shirt, buttless jeans."

I weigh 113 pitiful pounds, and do everything I can at the gym to work on my glutes. I squat, I do lunges, but now I guess I'm one of those guys.

H.A.L.T.!

In certain "fellowships", they talk about the H.A.L.T. system, an acronym for being too Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. If we find ourself in one of these conditions, we put ourselves at risk for being irritated, irrational, or making bad decisions.

I'm probably one of these all the time. Hungry because I have no appetite, angry because of my health, lonely because during the day, everyone's at work and I'm at home, and tired, well, because I'm probably hungry.

If you were to catch me grumpy or telling you to shut your piehole, you may want to stop me and ask me whether I'm hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. I'd probably just say, "yes, yes, yes, and yes, so shut up and get out of my face."

Quick-

Say this fast out loud as many times as you can:

"knapsack straps"

Ernie, You So Crazy!

Whenever I'm at a restaurant and I see a lot of overweight people around me eating, I think "conspiracy." The "conspiracy" I imagine is that all humans get eaten when they die by one big, hungry monster with a bottomless stomach. Naturally, the hungry monster likes meaty, juicy food, so he populates earth (especially the USA) with fattening yet appetizing food. The more we eat, the bigger we get, the more the monster gets to eat.

"Ocean" Not So Deep

Saw "Ocean's 13" Saturday.

Eh. I was really looking forward to liking the movie, but while watching it, I felt as if I had already seen it before. It was okay, good at best, but not great.

The panache they had in Ocean's 11 is back thankfully, but I left with my expectations unsatisfied.

(But I loved Al Pacino's eyeglasses!)

A Gold Star On My Forehead, Please!

Driving home from an errand today, I had to swerve and twirl the car (not my hips) to avoid hitting debris on the highway. It was everywhere in my lane- big metal pipes on my right, winding tubes and hoses on my left. Traffic was going at least 40 miles an hour, so whip! Swish! Swirl! I passed it.

I then thought, "hmmm, not everyone's as talented as I am" (when it was really the agility and nimbleness of the BMW I was in). This could be the cause of an accident I'll hear of later on today in a traffic report.

I hesitatingly turned around and hopped out of my car. When it was clear, I ran out into the road and picked it all up. I threw it all on the side of the road.

That's right, fellow DC area residents! I ventured, faced death in the face, all for our safety! Chalk one up for mankind!

Oh, Happy Bunny!

The "F" Word

We're not going to say it. Instead, we'll replace it with the word "overweight."

Can you guess what country in the world has the greatest percentage of overweight people? Forbes magazine, who defined "overweight" as having a body mass index of 25 or more, tallied results from the world over and ranked them up.

You Statesiders are convinced that the ole' red white and blue is #1. Nope. Us Cold Stone grubbin' hogs rank #9. Australia? #21. UK? #28. Philippines? #155.

The country that is #1 for the greatest percentage of overweight people is Nauru, an island nation in the South Pacific. In fact, the rest of the countries that rank higher than USA are a bunch of places whose names are barely recognizable. (I think they're barely recognizable because they are overweight.)