Before & After Sunday Morning
Before yesterday morning, I was devastated. Shocked. I was off chemo for a couple of months- is that all the time needed for the menace in my head to wake up? Why did we take a break in the first place if there's a risk that things could start to stir?
I can't believe I'm going through this AGAIN. Forget feeling "hormonal"- I'm horrified and furious. And please don't tell me that everything will be fine. Your optimism is appreciated and acknowledged, but YOU'RE not the one going through it. I AM.
WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE THIS? I'm a decent person. I don't smoke, I don't do drugs, and I'm certainly not an evil person.
And please don't tell me to pray to God that it'll be okay. I feel like running out the door and screaming at the whole wide world.
After yesterday morning, I realized I had a choice: fight and wrestle the situation in hopes to control it, or hand over this train wreck, this freak of nature, to God.
I finally gave it up: I'm powerless over this and I certainly can't control it. Whether or not the "official radiologist report" comes out today, tomorrow, or later this week, it will be okay. Whether or not it will be brain surgery or more chemo to stop the tumor's growth, it will be okay. I have faith, real faith, and trust that God knows exactly what I'm going through and will be with me every grueling inch, every painful step of the way.
And just because I know that, it doesn't mean I have to like it. But I'm more at peace with it. I'm more okay with it.
I'll be sure to post "official results" from the MRI as soon as I find out. Thanks for reading. Thanks for listening.
posted by Ernie @ 7:33 PM
1 Comments:
Ernie, I have no freakin' idea why you are going through all of this either.
What I do know is that you are going through it with both (legally blind) eyes wide open, and that by sharing the experiance in exquisite detail with the world around you, you are showing us (who are scarred spitless of going thru such things ourselves) that we could go through them too if we had to -- and still shop, travel and love the whole time.
Did you ever imagine in your life that you would be a role model this way? You are a spiritual teacher, dear boy, and the class is on 'How to be completly alive - 101'.
I wish you didn't have to teach it, I wish I didn't have to take it, but I will be forever changed for doing so as you already have been.
As we say in the rooms, thank you for sharing ...
Hugs & Love
Michael
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