House Of Cards Come Crashing Down

It's the middle of the night and I can't sleep. The reality of yesterday's experience with the cane just hit me like a head-on collision with an 18 wheeler.

All I did was walk around the block. It's not even a half mile. But with a blindfold on and just a walking stick, it felt like a nightmarishly long 10 mile march with nowhere as the finish line.

Paul and the guy teaching me followed right behind me. I made funny comments to try amd lighten the mood. But looking back, it was all to hide the scary feelings that overwhelmed me.

Afterwards, Paul and I ran some errands. Cleaners. Grocery store. Target. Bed Bath And Beyond. I used the cane while walking around. While it parted groups of people walking towards me, I could feel and sense children looking at me like I was a gr0tesque circus freak.

At Bed Bath And Beyond, I bought an area rug for the bedroom. It was pretty and made the room more welcoming. But if I lose all of my eyesight soon, then what's the point? I may feel it underneath me, but I won't be able to see it.

I guess a good question to ask is, "Am I really going to go completely blind?" I know I've been talking about it like it's really going to happen, But what I'm wrong? What if the little vision I have left doesn't change?

Losing your eyesight changes EVERYTHING. You can't read the Christmas cards you receive, nor can you send cards out. You can't watch television. You just listen to it. You'll have to recall and imagine the facial expressions on the actors' faces as you sit through a rerun of a sitcom.

Yesterday was a tough day for me. For Paul. And it's all hitting me now.

Let's take a quick look at this spiritually: James 1:1 says, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know the testing of your faith develops perserverance."

Pure joy? I don't think so. I ain't feelin' it, certainly not right now. And perserverance for what? For more trials? Great.